Friday, 13 October 2017 07:37

Shame, Sex and Hiding

As men, we often learn to hide our emotions. For example, we all know the saying “boys don’t cry”. I can remember on one occasion growing up being happy and dancing to music on the radio. I was told to stop dancing because men don’t dance!  We don’t cry, we don’t express happiness, we don’t feel. One of the consequences of this is we learn to hide our emotions and become emotionally illiterate. We lose the emotional language to name what we are feeling.

Often all a man is left with, is his anger. When a man experiences fear, he becomes angry because anger is safer than fear. When a man experiences uncertainty, he becomes angry because the anger provides certainty.

Then there is the stereotypical view that gay men are more emotionally aware and sensitive.  Yet a man who is emotionally aware however he identifies sexually learns the need to hide his emotions.

Hiding our emotions not only affects us socially, it also impacts on us sexually. The sexual act is not just a physical act, it is also an act of the emotions. A limited emotional range impacts on the range of emotions we bring to our sexual activity, foreplay and orgasms.  Ecstasy requires an emotional range when it is not taken in pill form.

For many men, it is not just our emotions we learn to hide it is also our sexuality. Gay men, men who are bi, men who do not identify with any category but enjoy occasional male to male sex all learn to hide our sexuality to some degree or other.

The consequence is that many men grow up hiding. Hiding behind a construct of masculinity we hope is acceptable to our circle of friends, our families and our wider social network but all the time being anxious in case who we really are and what we really feel leaks through.

What has all this got to do with shame?

Shame is the sense that we are fundamentally flawed, that there is something wrong with us.  Shame grows behind the facades we present to those around us. Often because we have lost our emotional language we cannot name our shame. We just have a sense that we are not right. That we could be better.

This sense of shame, even though we cannot name it doesn’t go away. Very often shame gets acted out in our behaviours. For example, how much of our alcohol consumption is because we enjoy a relaxing drink or two or because we are just wanting to drink to take the edge of “that feeling”? How much of our drug use is an attempt to make us feel happy because we are feeling unhappy, discontent and something is wrong?

The bitchy Queen who has the cutting comment and can put everyone down or in their place, how much of that behaviour is driven by an insecurity of not being enough?

Shame is toxic, it is dangerous for our mental health and well-being. That sense, “there is something wrong with me”, leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Unless shame is addressed in our lives it can be like a parasite, it feeds on our sense of ourselves and we don’t realize it is hiding in us.

One of the challenges for members of the LGBTQI community with the current SSM debate is not to go “into hiding”. With the negativity that is being expressed there is the risk of falling back into old habits of hiding. Hiding can re-activate any sense of shame that is lying dormant and “hiding” in our lives because we have not recognised it. 

Shame can be challenging but not impossible to deal with. We all have a responsibility towards each other. When our friends are going into hiding, we need to be there for them.  We need to remind each other we are all imperfectly perfect. Often we want to be perfect because we feel that will make up for all the put downs and all the shame we experienced growing up. We will never be perfect. There is no such thing as perfection but there is the beauty of being imperfectly perfect, or as Leonard Cohen expressed it “the crack in everything, that lets the light in”

If you feel you are beginning to hide, or you are fed up with that sense that something is wrong with you, the AIDS Council has counsellors who can assist you work through the sense of shame and help you re-discover the uniqueness of yourself.

Published in Latest News

By David Kernohan, WA AIDS Council CEO

I woke this morning, to the headline that SSM forms had been burnt in Arnhem Land. By this evening, those headlines had become “same sex marriage: Postal survey’s higher-than-expected turnout secures legitimacy”. But does it? What about the forms that have been burnt in Arnhem Land? What of the other postal survey forms I see, lying sodden in the street, limp, impotent in that the voice of their intended recipient will never be heard.

One of the principles of democracy is respect for and an acknowledgement of the importance of the voice of the people. The importance of this principle is usually taken so seriously that when the government seeks to know the views of the people, care is taken to ensure open and transparent processes are in place. People must have their names ticked off a register, their votes and views are confidential and have the dignity of a secure ballot process.

Although the current survey masquerades as an opportunity for people to have their say, it provides none of the safe guards that are usually associated with gauging the voice of the people. In a normal referendum, ballot papers would not be burned. This lack of safe guards affects both the “Yes” and the “No” campaigns. 

Whatever the outcome in November, it is open for either side to argue against the result because of the lack of proper processes to ensure the voice of the community is heard in a transparent process.

This survey was born of appeasement. Centrist politicians trying to appease their right flank. But if history teaches us anything, it is that appeasement does not work. People end up dissatisfied and results are often contested resulting in further discord and alienation.

Because the SSM survey is an attempt at appeasement and absent proper processes that are usually associated with hearing the voice of the people, there is a very real possibility the result in November will not bring the matter to a close. There is a very real possibility the results will be contested and High Court challenges mounted. 

What does this mean for members of the LGBTQI community? It means we must be prepared for a long journey. It means we must pace ourselves and maintain our resilience and reserves for the long haul. It means organisations like the WA AIDS Council, must be properly resourced to lead community with support and strength.

In Greek mythology there is the story of Pandora’s box. When the box was opened all sorts of evils and problems were let out and all that remained was hope. As individuals, we all need hope. Hope is the quality that builds resilience and an ability to keep persevering.

But hope alone, is not a quality upon which to build good government policy. I would call upon Government, having opened Pandora’s box with this survey and having unleashed the dogs of animosity, abuse and division against the LGBTQI community, to give serious consideration to rebuilding, engaging and healing our community post November 2017. 

If you are feeling affected by the postal survey, please click here.

Published in Latest News

We, the WA AIDS Council, wish to express our support for marriage equality. We absolutely recognise the rights of our lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans* and intersex clients, members and volunteers to live a full and healthy life that is not shadowed by any prejudice or discrimination, or a life that is absent all of the rights accorded to others. This includes the right to marry the person of their choice.

We have always understood that discrimination impacts on our health in many ways. We understand that lack of access to financial benefits and other entitlements, given as a right to heterosexual families, does not improve wellbeing.

The lack of full and equal recognition of our relationships is a bigger issue. For as long as this inequality exists, there will continue to be a strong government sponsored message that our relationships, in whatever form they may appear, are not as valued as others. This is unacceptable.

All evidence shows that the community strongly supports marriage equality. This is unsurprising since for every lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans* and intersex person, there are parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, workmates, friends and neighbours. Thus the community bears witness to the impacts of inequality that our political leaders are reluctant to acknowledge.

It is time for our great country to join the more than 20 others that have already embraced equality for marriage and the social benefits that have followed.

For those that think that there is a viable alternative to full equality, there isn’t. Near enough will never be good enough when it comes to human rights.

 

 

Published in Latest News

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